Burn Out vs Depression: Which is it?

You used to think you would handle motherhood differently.

You imagined yourself beig more patient.  More present.  More grateful.  More organized.  More capable.  Enjoying yourself more.

Instead, you find yourself overstimulated by thenoise and mess, irritated before breakfast, resentful that everyone seems to need something from you all day long, and wondering why something that matters somuch to you also feels so heavy.

Eventually you ask yourself the question:

Am I burned out or…..am I depressed?

Here’s the honest answer: it’s difficult to tell.

Burnout and depression can look super similar from the outside:

Exhaustion

Irritability

Loss of joy

Emotional numbness

Isolation

Brain fog

Resentment

Loss of coping strategies

Feeling like you’re failing at things everyone else handles just fine.

Understanding the difference matters.  Not so that you can label yourself, but so you can get the kind of support that actually helps.

Before we go any further I want to make sure you hear this:

Struggling does not mean you are weak.

Needing help does not mean you are failing.

Feeling overwhelmed does not mean you are a bad mother.

This is not a character flaw.

Stay at home moms carry way more than childcare.

We are handling:

Schedules

Meals

Shopping

Appointments

Laundry

Emotional regulation of kids, self, and husband

Remembering where everything is

Remembering when everything is

Being prepared

Creating memories

And so much more.  All the while believing “I should totally be able to handle this alone, everyone else does.”

The role of the modern Stay at Home Mom is not a role for one person.  You were not meant to carry the load alone.

Burnout usually comes from a chronic feeling of overwhelm, lack of support, recovery, or relief.

Thoughts you might be thinking include:

“I never get a break”

“Everyone needs me constantly.”

“I can’t think straight anymore”

“Why am I so irritated all the time?”

“I love my family, but I fantasize about being left completely alone.”

“I am so touched out.”

“I am exhausted before breakfast every day.”

Burnout is the result of carrying the mental, emotional, and logistical load of a household alone for too long.  Or at least without enough support in the right places.

A huge misconception you might have is 

“If I am capable of doing all the things, then I should do all the things.”

Depression can overlap with burnout, but it usually goes deeper than overwhelm alone.

Depression usually includes:

Persistent hopelessness

Emotional numbness

Loss of interest inthings you used to enjoy

Feeling disconnected from yourself

Ongoing sadness

Difficulty functioning even when support is available

Shame that feels constant and heavy

Feeling like you are failing no matter what you do.

For some moms, depression develops because overwhelm went unaddress for too long.

For others, depression exsists separately from circumstances and involves biological hormonal, neurological, or trauma-related factors.

And for some of us, it’s both.

I have experienced all of the above.  I have all the skills to manage overwhelm, I know how to ask for help from my kids and husband.  And I do and they respond well.  But sometimes I can be doing all the things, getting all the support and still feel overwhelming sadness for a reason I cannot identify.

That is why a black and white advice online can feel so frustrating.

Bubble baths do not cure clinical depression, and SSRIs do not create a support structure so you don’t burn out.

One thing I see constantly in overwhelmed moms is  that they are not only doing the physical tasks of the household they are carrying the mental and emotional tasks of the entire household.

Even when their husband is willing to help many moms still feel responsible for all of the parenting, planning, and meeting everyones needs.

And because women are praised their whole lives for being capabel, selfless, and accommodating, asking for help can feel uncomfortable or even wrong.

So instead they silently carry more and more until the resentment leaks out in:

Irritability

Snapping

Shutting down emotionally

Withdrawing

Doom scrolling

Fantasizing about escaping

Fights with husbands

Not because they don’t love their family.  But because they were not meant to carry the weight alone.

We often think that the solution is more self care, and it can be.

But you need to make sure that you are actually taking care of your actual needs.

If your idea of self care is girls night, shopping alone, or a weekend away, you might need to rethink some things.

Those escapes can help temporarily but burnout is not solved by occasional alone time if your underlying system never changes to support your actual needs.

If you are returning from your self care and jumping right back into feeling

Unequal responsibility

Guilty

Chronic overstimlation

Resentment

Impossible expectations

The relief won’t last.  The solution is not to get better at handling it.  The solution is changing the system.

Therapy and coaching are my two favorite ways to help correct the system.

They are different in lots of ways and both are very useful.

Therapy is great if you are dealing with:

Trauma

Abuse

Postpartum depression

Anxiety

Persistent hopelessness

Emotional numbness

Panic attacks

Issues from the past

A good therapist will help you learn to process your emotions, understand and reframe your past, and develop the skills to communicate your needs while validating yourself.

Coaching is great if you are wanting to focus on creating a future you are excited about.  Coaching will hel[ you understand how you are creating your current situation, how to be empowered around your role in your life, and how to validate your own experience while allowing space for others to have their own different experiences.  

I have had several therapists that taught me wonderful things about my brain, feelings, and relationships so that I could understand myself better.  From that place I was able to move forward with coaching and begin to create a future that I am still excited about.

In my personal experience, and watching loved ones go through the process, both therapy and coaching can be part of creating a home structure that eliminates overwhelm and supports a life that makes depressive episodes easier to manage.  

Since I am not a therapist or a doctor I cannot give you medical advice but I can give you a list of questions to ask yourself about your current family dynamic, relationship with yourself, and needs so that you can make a decision that feels best for you about how to create an amazing life.

• What am I carrying that was never meant to be carried alone?

• What expectations am I afraid to let go of?

• Where am I abandoning my own needs?

• What support do I secretly wish I had?

• What conversations am I avoiding and why?

• What would help me feel less alone in my home?

• Do I need emotional, logistical, or medical support? Or a combination?

This is just a starter list.  Get a journal, your kids half used notebook, or a piece of printer paper and write all about it.  Write about what is going well, what is hard, what support you wish you had, what support you absolutely need, write about what you would do with a week alone in your home.

Then have a conversation with your husband about it, and work together to create a system that supports both of you.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, resentful or stuck in survival mode and the thought of journaling all that alone creates pressure, consider signing up for a free coaching consultation and we can talk through your thoughts and feelings to get you started on the right track.

Either way you’ve totally got this momma.

Love

Sue